you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
