dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
