dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
