I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
