Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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