There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
