Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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