My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
