You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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