if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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