peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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