Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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