I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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