everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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