The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
