went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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