I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
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i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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