Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
