I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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