Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
