so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off