She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.