So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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