YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
