im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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