I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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