Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You may now shotgun with the bride
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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