Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
