my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
