What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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