Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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