genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My breasts were aching with rage.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
