You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
