dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
