I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Let's paint friendship bongs
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
