Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
