Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
