I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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