its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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