Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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