god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
