I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
