I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I love how my cats smell like pot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
