drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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