I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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