It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Even my vagina gasped.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
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I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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