dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
