it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
