can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
