Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
