i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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