Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
