The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
