Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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