I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
