I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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