So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
